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Best Worst Excuse Contest 2013

Out of more than 220 entries, that’s the winning answer in our Best Worst Excuse (for not coming to work) Contest. The winning entry was submitted by Kim Yeaman, administrative Assistant at Stapp Construction in North Salt Lake, Utah.

By the time you read this, Kim is already enjoying her new iPad prize, and the T-shirts that are printed with her excuse will soon on their way to her. T-shirts will also be distributed (while supplies last) from the AWCI booth (#563) at the INTEX Expo, March 21–22 in San Antonio, Texas.

This year we have another winner, too. We asked you, our readers, to vote on the submissions, and all voters were entered into a drawing for a $100 Visa gift card. The winning voter is Robert J. Skinner of Skinner & Sons in Merrimack, N.H.

Congratulations to Kim and Robert!

And thank-you to our readers who voted and submitted the many excuses, some of which were so bad that they’re good. Below are most of the other answers (unfortunately there isn’t room to print them all). We will get you started with one very late entry—too late to be entered into the competition but one that cracked us all up: “Boss, I can’t come to work today because my girlfriend is getting pregnant and I wanna be there!”

Transportation Problems

• The bus doesn’t go there.

• I can’t find someone dependable enough to pick me up and get me to work on time!

• The air conditioner went out on my motorcycle.

• My car only makes left turns.

• The EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by

wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
• I have a flat tire.

• I lost my truck in a poker game.

• My breathalyzer won’t let my car start.

• Traffic is too bad and I’d be more productive working from home. (Yeah right, while in a spa having my nails done.)

• Someone Super-glued my car door locks shut!

• My friend can’t work and he’s my ride.

• Someone stole my jumper cables.

• I accidentally put nitro-glycerin in my windshield-wiper reservoir, and I’m afraid if I drive my car it will blow up!

• Someone super glued the locks to my car and I could not get back in the house to call because they super glued them as well.

• My truck doesn’t fit in the parking deck.

• I don’t know where I parked my truck.

• I couldn’t find a place to park. (So he just went back home!)

Weather (or Not)

• It is too cold outside. (The employee just got back from a week’s vacation moose hunting in 2 feet of snow.)

• It’s not sunny outside.

• It looks like rain today.

• You’ll probably have us working outside.

• Got snowed in and can’t afford to buy chains.

• I’m snowed in in Phoenix.

Medical Issues

• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…

• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Bears, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

• My stigmata’s acting up.

• I dropped a can of baked beans on my foot.

• I cut my toenails too short and it hurts to walk.

• The voice in my head is sick.

• I have “exertion sickness.” The more I work, the worse I feel!

• My thighs hurt.

• I’m having cramps.

• I’m sick … of work!

• I feel gassy.

• I’m getting a vasectomy.

• I’m calling off healthy. I feel too good to work.

• My hair hurts.

• Last night’s Mexican dinner has me confined to the bathroom.

• I have a tummy ache.

• I have a tooth ache.

• My therapist said so.

• I’ve used up all my sick days … so I’m calling in dead!

• I pooped my pants.

• I get car sick.

• I have explosive diarrhea!

• I over-ate on Thanksgiving.

• I mistook the SuperGlue for eye drops.

• I’m still sneezing drywall dust from yesterday.

• My back is kind of sore.

• I got hemorrhoids.

• Over the weekend I was at the beach, sunburned the top of my feet and it hurts too bad to put on my work boots.

• “Anal Glaucoma” (Can’t see my ass going in to work.)

• I have an eye problem. I just don’t SEE myself coming in today.

What Day Is It?

• It’s the first day of deer season.

• It’s Thanksgiving and I have to carve the turkey.

• It is my wedding anniversary.

• It’s Sunday and I need a day off!

• I thought Election Day was a holiday.

• I thought the day after the Super Bowl was a holiday.

• I thought it was Saturday so I overslept.

• Today ends in “y.”

• I was there yesterday.

• I already went twice this week.

• BIM: Because It’s Monday.

Yeah, Blame the Dog

• My dog ate trail mix and has real bad diarrhea!

• The dog ate the drawings!

• A neighborhood dog ran off with one of my boots.

• My dog ate my work order.

• My dog swallowed my only set of car keys and I have to wait ‘til they come out.

• The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

• My dog has a toothache.

• My dog ran away and came home and I have to go let him in.

Or the Cat, or a Deer … but Aliens?

• I came home drunk, tripped over the dog, head-butted the table, woke up to the cat eating part of my nose that got ripped off.

• My cat has colic.

• My turtle needs a bath.

• My cat’s depressed.

• I won’t be in today. I hit a deer on the way to work. I took off last week to go deer hunting but didn’t get one, so I’m taking this deer home.

• Somebody lost a horse and I had to help them find it.

• A skunk won’t let me out of the house! And it keeps chasing me back in the house!!

• I was driving to work and as I came around a corner I hit a cow in the road. Destroyed my car making it undriveable. An alien then landed and transported the cow into his spaceship, as the spaceship took off it suddenly landed again and shot my car with a laser beam and made the damage disappear. I was so distraught from the experience that I could not come to work!

• I was abducted by aliens. They wanted their UFO drywalled.

Even Family Members Get Blamed!

• My kids unplugged the alarm clock.

• My wife is going to kill me with a sword if I leave!

• I forgot my wife was having our baby today.

• I have to drive my wife to her second job, which pays more than mine.

• A house fell on my wife’s sister.

• My mom says I deserve the day off.

• My wife and her boyfriend went away for the weekend and I have to watch the kids until they get back!

• My wife needs a couples’ day.

• My great aunt’s ex-husband’s second cousin’s sister’s great-great grandma’s uncle died—going to funeral.

• My wife needs to talk.

• Granny’s guts are falling out.

• My great grandmother passed away. (She died 20 years ago.)

• My wife took my truck.

• My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

What Happens in the Bar …

• I was out drinking all night and I’m still drunk.

• I’m still drinking.

• I’m hungover.

• Went to the bar and forgot I was allergic to peanuts.

• I drank a 6 pack of beer this morning.

• I have to take this girl home and I don’t know where she lives.

• I got beat up at the bar.

• I’m at a bar.

Tools & Equipment

• I can’t get my head around the tongue and groove!

• I left my tools on my side job.

• My tools are tired.

• I left my tools on my side job.

• The pawn shop sold my tools.

• All my tools are in my wife’s car.

• BIM there, done that!

• My back is against the wall, and I’ve had it up to the ceiling!

• I can’t LEED myself to it!

That’s Why It’s Called “Work”

• I saw the schedule for today and it just looks like too much work.

• Any Wingnut Can’(t) Insulate (AWCI)

• My Dryvit set up too fast.

• My WashMaster ate my laundry.

It’s Better If You Don’t Ask

• I was abducted by a rival drywall company, taken out to the woods and left for dead.

• The CIA is here.

• The FBI is here.

• The ATF is here.

• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

• I think I died last night.

• I have to be fingerprinted.

• I’m in jail.

• I just have a bad feeling.

• It will mess up my unemployment.

• I’m a secret government agent and was called up last night.

• My PO says the white dust on my nose ain’t plaster.

• Just trust me this time.

• I was abducted by the police.

• I have court.

• I was kidnapped. But don’t pay the ransom, I escaped.

• I heard OSHA was on site, and I don’t want to get busted again.

• I lied, I am an illegal alien.

• I’m on the lam.

• The priest is coming to bless the house.

It’s about the Money

• I am broke and need gas money so I can get to work.

• I’ll miss the lottery drawing.

• You don’t pay me enough.

• I might win the lottery tonight.

• I won the lottery and am buying the company today.

• I received my federal income tax refund check and I need to spend it all!

It’s Political

• I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

• I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

• President Obama got re-elected.

• Obama said I could.

• I’m a democrat.

The Bossman Is at Fault?

• I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

• There aren’t enough breaks.

• I hate my boss.

• You hurt my feelings.

• I don’t feel loved.

• We don’t get along very well.

It’s Not You, It’s Me

• I’m useless.

• I’m unreliable.

• I’m not a team player.

• I’d just rather not.

• I don’t feel like it I don’t have a lot of energy today.

• I’m sleepy.

• I’m scared of success.

• I’m a waste of your money.

• I’m lazy.

• I don’t want to.

• I’ve got better things to do.

• In need to recharge my batteries.

• I need to rest for the company BBQ.

• I need to watch Oprah.

• I can’t miss Regis.

• I’m a bad employee.

• I misplaced my will to work.

It’s All about Me

• I have nine more holes.

• I gotta give the others a chance to catch up to ME!!!

• I don’t do anything anyways.

• After the double time weekend, I need to catch up on my side work.

• I need a little me time.

• I prefer to remain an enigma.

• I have to rake hay.

• I’m too happy and in too good of a mood.

• I need to reflect on my life choices.

• I have a job interview.

• I am prettier than all of the other guys.

Wardrobe Malfunctions

• I can’t find my work boots.

• I don’t have any clean underwear.

• This shirt has no pocket for my pen.

• I’m busy washing my new T-Shirts.

All the Rest

• I got my butt caught in the prop of my bass boat.

• I dropped by checkbook into the toilet and I can’t find my assets with both hands.

• No one called me last night so I stayed home.

• I can’t make up my mind.

• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

• A salmon hit my leg.

• I’m going to the SF Giants World Series parade!

• I can’t fit my potato chips in my lunch box.

• Work is a four letter word.

• I am asleep.

• I’m on strike.

• Of lack of interest.

• I snorted some plaster.

• I’m going to a Grateful Dead concert.

• I’m gambling.

• I’m sad.

• I don’t wanna work.

• I’m thinking about retiring.

• I’m gonna sleep in.

• I’m on welfare.

• I broke a nail.

• I have to do dishes.

• My iPod broke.

• I hit my head and forgot where I worked

• The Mayan calendar ends today.

• I might quit next week.

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